Jun 18, 2014

Some days just suck...

Aint that the truth?  And the case for all of us...

Today is one of those days for me, it just sucks.  I'm feeling incredibly nauseous, like the kind of nausea you have when you have pregnancy morning sickness where you don't know if you want to barf or eat a cracker dipped in gingerale.  I'm feeling a bit 'stoned' as well which is an unpleasant feeling.  I know the meds are the culprit of both, most likely this weeks most recent dose increase but it still sucks.  It's also a very shaky day and my right leg is vibrating much more than usual since this new body part has been added to the tremor list.  In fact I went to leave the house today sporting as always a pretty pair of heels (those that know me know I love my heels, I think in my mind I was really meant to be 5'8" not 5'4") but I had not much luck.  For the first time on this journey I put them on, walked through the house, got the baby in the car and quickly realized my legs could not pull of heels today.  I know, some of you are thinking how trivial of a thing.  But it is not trivial to me.  It's not about my obsession, my love of pretty heels, it's about the fact that for the first time I put a pair on and realized it was a bad idea and had to take them off.  The first time I've felt defeated by my legs.  The first time I've felt like 'uh oh, is how bad my arm is moving downwards?'.  To me, this is not a trivial thing, it scares me.

I've struggled this week with exercise, been telling myself it's not big deal just a bad week, when the reality in my brain says the more often one tries to run, bike etc... the better they get at it, the farther they can go, or faster they can do it, that's why they call such things training.  This week however I seem to have gone backwards and my legs can do less.  Again I keep telling myself it's just a bad leg week, just like the many bad arm weeks I've had.  Until I couldn't pull off the heels, then my mind races to a place I don't often let it go.  To a place of fear that my often useless arm is now going to becoming as well my now useless leg.  But, despite that I will continue to tell myself 'it's probably just a bad leg week' and move on to the next day.  And tomorrow I will run, or walk or bike again.

So with nausea, feeling stoned and foggy, being exhausted, shaking badly and not being able to wear a pair of heels... today just kinda sucks.  BUT I know myself that even on days that suck there are moments of joy to be found in them, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to find them, or sometimes you need someone else to show you the way to the joy.  Today it was the friend that did that by a very sweet, thoughtful caring text message right at the moment I needed it.  It made me cry (no joy in that LOL) but the words had a push to keep on pushing.  The words had joy in them.  Included in those many joyful words was a quote she read and forwarded along with the rest that I particularly needed to hear today. 

"Toughness is in the soul and the spirit, not in the muscles."

I also found joy in some 'me' time.  I had a hair appointment booked and despite the fact that I could have easily stayed in my pj's and not left the house I went.  So I found joy in getting pampered a bit while my parents watched Izzy for a couple hours.  I look better, I feel better.  Mind over matter right?

The end point I guess is this.  There are days when I would much rather crawl back under the covers cause it's just a crap day and I know from the start how it's likely going to play out.  But the fact of the matter is I am a MOM first and I have health problems second.  There are two sweet girls that need a Mom to take care of them (even if my almost 6 year old thinks she can do everything for herself) and they do and always will come first regardless of what kind of curve ball my body might be throwing at me.  And I am happy to push through for them on those kinda days because they are amazing and they are joyful and my love for them makes everything better.  AND even on a day that just plain sucks, there are moments that come your way to bring you joy.  Even if you can't find it yourself and need someone else to show it to you, or you have to look really really hard.  It's still always there if you are open to finding it.

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