"Guilt to Motherhood is like Grapes to Wine" ~ Faye Weldon

I've often talked about my 'Mom guilt' in my posts.  Well I would be lying if I didn't say it wasn't pretty heavy this past week.  Last week after pretty near 2 days in bed and a couple of physio/acupuncture appointments my 6 year old cried before bed one night.  She again did the same thing today.  A child worrying about adult issues is wrong in so many ways.

Before I explain more, let me take a step back.  My grandmother sadly passed away in November last year.  She had been plagued with MS for years, was wheelchair bound and near the end was bed ridden.  My kids called her "GG" short for Great Grandmother.  She was an amazing woman and a huge part of our lives.  Her death was the first real death of someone close to her that Samantha had experienced other than when she was a baby and doesn't remember.  She was of course extremely upset when her GG died and we read a lot of books about it and talked about it a lot.  Now, a mother knows their child like none other.  Recently out of the blue Samantha has had brief fits of crying saying she misses GG.  I would console her and explain that we all miss her but that we need to be happy knowing that GG is out of her wheelchair and happy with God in heaven.  I've recently noticed however her moments of this seem to coincide with times Momma is having a bad day.

Last week when she started to cry about GG, it was day two of me being down and out.  Her Dad at urged me when I got home from my 2nd physio appointment to go outside to see her that she was worried about me.  So when I sat down with her I asked if perhaps she was upset over something else.  She admitted that she was scared and worried about me.  Insert sound of a shattering heart here.... :-(  She went on to explain to me that I was in bed a lot the last couple days and kept going to Doctors appointments and she was worried and scared because I wasn't ok.  So I swallowed the big lump in my throat forced the tears away and tried as best I could to explain to her why.  She knows Mom shakes, she mentions it quite often when she sees it despite my best attempt to clench muscles and keep it hidden from her.  So I simply explained to her that sometimes because of the thing Mom has that causes her to shake it makes my body soar and sometimes I need to go for appointments to people like massages to help me not be soar.  To help me feel better so I can fix it up quickly and get back to fun playtime with her.  I explained as best I could that I am fine, that there is nothing for her to worry about, that I'm not going anywhere.  Hardest conversation ever...  but by the end of it she seemed content with the explanation and we finished it off with a laughter filled tickle fight to lighten the mood.

Since that day thankfully I've been back on the upswing of better days.  This morning however out of the blue she came to me, tears in eyes again crying over GG.... I did my usual explanation over it's ok to miss her we all do but she's happy in heaven and we need to be happy for her.  I asked what else was bothering her, explained that often when she's upset over that something else is 'also' bothering her.  She simply cried and said "I'm sad cause I miss GG and I'm worried about you"  I think to myself, 'dear Lord give me strength'.... So on we go for another chat.  This time we talk about how when she has a soar throat or something we often go to the doctor to get some medicine to make her feel better, and how Momma has been going to New Brunswick to that Doctor who is giving me medicine to make me feel better.  And how sometimes we have things wrong with us like a soar throat or an ear infection and it doesn't mean anything bad will happen we just need time and medicine to feel better.  Assured her that I am not going anywhere, that just sometimes Momma needs some rest time so I can get the soar parts fixed and get back to the fun stuff again.  After a chat that was likely 5 minutes but felt like an eternity we simply cuddled for a while.  I asked if she was ok and understood and wasn't worried and she said yes.  So back came the tickle fight for laughs again....

Being a Mom is HARD.... It's especially hard when you have something like this to deal with.  When you try your best to put your game face on and hide the bad things but sometimes you just don't.  So the Mom guilt is pretty heavy right now.  I find myself thinking that I'm doing a bad job of hiding it.  That clearly I need to try harder.  It was easier when school was in as I could rest when the babes was napping and laze around if needed on a particular day and she was in school so she didn't notice any of it.  Then these situations of guilt make me also think of the people who are always commenting about how busy I am, how 'on the go' I always am and make me feel as though they think I'm full of crap.  Make me feel as though I shouldn't go anywhere, do anything fun and I certainly shouldn't try and look good.  The people that think because I dress nice and do my hair that nothing is wrong.  The people with the really bad assumptions because all they see of me is my 'game face' days... Maybe they should hang out at my house on a bad day, maybe they should be the ones to sit and have this type of conversation with a 6 year old that you try your hardest to hide the bad from but clearly aren't doing so great at it.  Maybe they should see the heartache in her poor little face and feel the guilt weighing down my chest like a cement block sitting on it in those moments...  Maybe then they would understand why on my good days I'm 'on the go' and doing my best to have enjoyable days of fun.  Or maybe I should just do what I typically try and do and ignore it because I know my own truth and that should be all that matters.  Sometimes harder than you would think however. 

I love my girls like nothing else in this world.  I will always do my best to love and comfort them.  I will continue to keep the bad days to a minimum, hide it as best I can and get up, stand tall, look as pretty as I can and make memories on the good days.  Bask in the joy of the smiles in my girls and not take any moments for granted.  Because those moments of joy outweigh the days of guilt and thank God for that...