An Anniversary not worth celebrating... or is it?

A year... Wow...  It's been about a year since that first wave of vertigo hit which started off a whole slew of issues with my body.  In one sense it's hard to believe it's been that long, yet in another particularly on a bad day it feels like my body's been tortured for an eternity.  I suffered through it (the vertigo) for about 5 weeks last year and then it became so bad that I had to stop working.  In fact driving even made me nervous and I only did if I absolutely had to.  I sure as heck wouldn't have through that a year later I'd still be such a mess and I definitely wouldn't have imagined that 11 months later I would still not be back to work.  It's really crazy when I think about it.  But thankfully at least the vertigo went away last fall.

So yes, it's hard to believe a year has passed.  The anniversary of the beginning.  Sadly things have gotten much worse than that initial day as the months went on and there's still there is no definitive answer on why.  Suspected young onset Parkinson's disease and a summer long treatment plan as a tool to use as a potential diagnosis, but nothing 100%.  However, despite the journey being long there are many things to be grateful for and I guess in a sense worth celebrating as this anniversary comes around.

First and foremost it seems I am close to my answers being final, whether they are what I would want out of life or not.  Upon talking to many people with serious health issues it's come clear to me that I am lucky with this time frame.  Yup I said the "L" word.  Lucky because a lot of people go many years without being as close to the fork in the road as I have come.  Although somedays it feels like it's really dragging on I am luckier than most.

I find Joy in the many advocates that have crossed my path on this journey.  Most importantly my family Doctor, who believed in my issues, took them seriously, always tried to make me laugh despite any frustrations, has filled out countless forms and pressed to get me to the right specialists in the right places.  I am forever grateful for him.  I hear many stories of people that are not fortunate enough to have a family Doctor, let alone have one that's remotely as wonderful as mine.  I am lucky.  My physiotherapist who went out of her way to write letters to Health PEI (incase I needed them which thankfully I didn't) to get me off island as it was clear to her I had serious problems that she felt were neuro muscular and needed solving.  A lovely individual named Tonya who's a nurse and reached out to me on several occasions with advice, care and concern and offers to help advocate for me in the journey when I was getting no where fast with Island specialists.  She touched my heart and her loving, caring, genuine nature meant the world to me.  And there are many others from the medical community that have been amazing.

I've learned many life lessons in the past year about myself and about others.  Lessons help us grow into better people and therefore regardless of the circumstance for it I find joy in those lessons.

I have learned that sometimes the people you want the most to be there for you just aren't and that's ok because it teaches you how to accept those disapointments.  Makes you find a way to try and put yourself in their shoes and understand that maybe it just makes them uncomfortable because they don't know what to do or say and that is ok too.  I've learned to not be angry at that but rather try and empathize with it and I will admit I'm still trying to learn that art.  We'll call it a lesson in progress!  I've learned that there are people who just don't give a crap, but yet want to read up on my 'news' but have yet to acknowledge what's been happening despite that they are people that should and that is also totally ok.  Those disapointments and figuring out who really cares sends you on a path to surprises.  A path to the ones that are really there for you that it was never expected and that's a beautiful surprise to get.  I've learned I have a wonderful loving support system and family & friends that check on me often daily and do it because they love me and want to and I'm grateful for all of them.  I've learned that there are many people I have crossed paths with that are beautiful people with many words of wisdom that I can learn from and in turn grow because of.  Some are people I know well and others not as much, but they have been put in my path for a reason.  I've learned that sometimes the most unexpected act of kindness can be very emotional and that it's ok to not be the tough girl who never cries like I once was.  I've learned that everyone has an "Internal Doctor' in them in one way or another.  Sometimes this can be good, sometimes annoying and sometimes just plain ridiculous, but it's usually meant with good intentions and often found with great ideas.  So there's joy in everyone's 'ID attitude'!  I've learned patience.  Boy have I learned patience and most definitely a skill I'm still trying to master as this journey has been a true test to ones patience level in more ways than I can count. 

Most importantly I've learned to find the joy in each day even on the bad ones.  To dig deep and search to find that one positive thing in the day that made that day .  To look forward to the next one to come with a positive attitude that it will be a good one where I can do more.

And on a side note this week I had an Anniversary that doesn't require thought to celebrate!  My wedding anniversary to my very own Prince Wesley (my favorite movie is the Princess Bride).  7 years married, 8.5 together and not a doubt in my mind that my life before him led me to the very specific time and place I needed to be to end up with him for the rest of my life.  This journey of mine would be a lot harder to find joy in if it weren't for him.

So at the end of the day there are many reasons to celebrate this health (or lack there of) 'anniversary' like you would any other.  As this time of year was approaching and I was reflecting on my thoughts of how long it has been I thought otherwise.  However the more thought I put into it the more I realized that in life you can wallow in your own self pitty and hate the bad roads or you can find the lesson's in them, look for the joy along that road and better yourself for it.  Don't get me wrong I have days where I'm just plain pissed off, but I am learning to roll over those rocks until I find the flower underneath one that's not giving up so I can try and shed some sunlight on it so it'll flourish.  Have I mastered this art?  Absolutely not.  For instance even as I write this my left arm has been twitching uncontrollably for over 24 hours now.  This scares me because I worry that things are moving to the other side when everything has been contained to the right so far.  But my right hand is working fairly well today, in fact I was even able to use a pair of scissors.  So as silly as that may seem that's a joyful thing.  It's something I often cannot do.  The little things we take for granted that I now wish I hadn't before.  All part of the lesson I suppose. 
However there are enough positives, enough joyful things, enough gratifying lessons, enough love and support from the people I need it from that have come my way in the last year that it IS an anniversary worth celebrating.  Not to celebrate the illness, but to celebrate the lessons, the love, the little things and the ability to still find the joy in all of it.

I have joy, I am blessed, I am lucky.