As last year came to a close I was happy to see it go, it was a year of trials, many unknowns and a lot of fear, yet relief in knowing what was wrong. This year seems to have been a bit less of a roller coaster ride but it certainly still had it's frustrations. As 2015 started I was ready... I knew what I had, I had read thousands of articles and pieces of information to arm me with the knowledge needed to live well with PD and to do my part in slowing progression. I started the year in full force of my "Screw you Parkinsons" attitude and was on the war path to show it who's boss!
Did I accomplish this task? I'd say to some extent yes. I like to think I still have my warrior attitude about life with PD and am still stubborn and determined to keep it in check, still focused on thinking outside the box for therapies and treatment and still holding my own. There's one thing however with my new found fighting attitude that I wasn't expecting and didn't plan for. To get worse... Foolish I know I have a progressive, degenerative neurological disease, of course I'm going to get worse. But not in a year, not me, no way that's going to take many years to happen. Well, that bubble was officially busted. By the time April hit which would mark the one year anniversary of being told I likely had PD I had such pain in my hands (right in particular) that I was told by my movement disorder neurologist I had developed Dystonia in my hands. Another movement disorder you can get on it's own or as a symptom of PD. I was advised that with that and my levodopa not lasting a full 4/5 hours for stiffness relief and fine motor skills that perhaps I needed to add another medication. Another med? I don't think so, after all I'm busy kicking some Parkinsons ass remember? I drove the 350k trek home full of frustration and then commenced Spring Pitty Party 2015. Total refusal to listen to my doctor and add the new med, total determination that he was wrong, total all consumed feeling sorry for myself time.... I finally snapped out of it and registered for bootcamp and started going for regular Chinese style acupuncture because no way was I taking more meds. It had only been a year on them and there was no way in hell I was worse in a way I couldn't fix.
So with guns a blazin' I kicked it into high gear, working out like crazy running to treatments of various sorts and I was back to my 'Screw you Parkinsons' mindset. I focused on what I needed to, moved into summer enjoying time with my girls at the beach and having family fun throughout the summer and remained in denial. As fall started to peak it's head around the corner I was noticing my levodopa was wearing off now in 2-3 hours as opposed to 4, I was in agony with stiffness & subsequently pain from it an average of 2.5 hour intervals as I waited for the time to take my next dose to hit and it to kick in. My feet, oh my feet were hurting so bad. Somedays so painful I would be limping. With a little help from Dr. Google & my own refusal to believe PD had anything to do with it I quickly diagnosed my issue as planters fasciitis. Went for some physio, extra acupuncture and was prepared to deal with that. Until my next Neuro appointment came up the end of October. Where my bubble was burst yet again. Good try on the planters fasciitis, wishful thinking in fact. Nope it's Dystonia again, it was in my feet and calves and that's what was causing the pain. The twisting of the muscles. This time with more firmness my doctor urged me to listen to him. Take the new medication in addition to my levodopa. There are no added risks of Dyskinesia happening with Pramipexole like there is with adding more of my little yellow friends. It would help with the muscle spasms & pain and would help level off the crashes from the "on" and "off" periods from my yellow saviors. When I questioned him on the fact that I'm so young, this seems so fast that I need more meds that it had only been 13 months since officially being diagnosed and 18 since starting treatment his response was simple "it's normal progression for young onset Parkinsons". I cried...
Now as we are about to venture into the Christmas season and subsequently ring in the new year I can admit defeat. Not defeat in the sense that I have given up or have any intentions to. But the kind of defeat where I admit my way didn't work and I have to let go and trust the expert on my disease. Although it was a rough 5/6 weeks of adjusting to the new medication and a lot of very unpleasant 'stoned like' days I've now gotten used to it... and much to my surprise the pain in my feet has drastically improved, in fact most days I have none at all and when I do have it it's minimal and nothing in comparison to before. I do find that my crashes aren't as severe either I am a bit more levelled out. He assured me that if I tried this I would most likely see an improvement, that I would likely even be able to get back to working out harder again like a year before, that I would likely be able to start running again and that I would simply feel better. I'm having some major set backs in sleep disturbances since the new drug was added but that's another story for another time. Overall, and as much as I hate to admit it sometimes, he was right. I fold, you win, my cards weren't as good as yours.
So what have I learned in 2015 that I can take with me into the new year? Well I've learned that I need to keep fighting and be stubborn, because that's just who I am. I need time to process changes in my fight with Parkinsons and attempt to try various things in my own way just like I did this year. I need to know that more medication is the last resort and not just accept another pill. That in doing this and attempting 'my way' there may be frustrations, but at least in the long run I'll know I was my own health advocate and I tried to the best of my ability to fight it my way. But I also learned that sometimes you have to admit defeat and listen to the expert even if that makes you frustrated and cry a lot. I'm 'learning' to accept the fact that I am going to progress even though that sucks, it's a process and I won't ever master that one I don't think, but I will work on acceptance of the negative not just positive. And most importantly I've learned that as always I have amazing people in my life to help pick up the pieces when I feel like I've completely broken apart. Family & friends that are there to listen to me scream and shout when I'm angry, cry with when I'm upset and most importantly laugh with and laugh/shake it all off. I now venture into 2016 with alarms set on my phone for two sets of medication to take at various intervals to which I still get annoyed and roll my eyes at when they go off. But I have 'improved' since admitting that defeat. I shall ring in the new year with a body that's working a little better, a body that has a bit less pain during the day and fewer "off" periods and I find joy in those improvements.
Life is a journey and although sometimes I don't know what road I'm travelling I'm grateful for the road and even it's twists and turns!
So, goodbye 2015, thank you for the lessons, thank you for the friends & family by my side throughout the struggles and the happiness, but good riddance to you....
Hello 2016, this Parkie is ready for you!!!
To my Parkie friends out there...
Never stop fighting!
Merry Christmas & Happy New year!
